Having a Baby Changes Everything... Except When it Doesn't

Let's clear something up first. I am a mommy, and I am a blogger, but I am not a "mommy blogger." My house is usually messy, I don't own a jogging stroller, and I believe Pinterest is more for snarky e-cards than crafts or recipes. Case in point? As of 11:00 this morning, the only thing my daughter had eaten was a brownie and a few Doritos.

However, I'm pregnant with my second child, and I have a lot of friends who are either pregnant or have recently given birth, and it's had me thinking a lot about what having a child means.

I think movies and commercials have painted a more realistic picture of this recently. They show the crazy side of child-rearing: the diapers, the cost, the mess, the lack of sleep. They've even given us cute catchphrases like, "Having a baby changes everything."

Well, yes and no.

It sure changes sleep patterns and time management and how often we get to shower, but it doesn't change everything. I think a lot of new moms expect their world to become this magical, albeit crazier, land of hugs and snuggles and love. Those things definitely can and do happen, but it's a much different type of scenario. Many things aren't changed by having a baby, no matter how much we wish they would.

1. Having a baby doesn't repair a faulty marriage.
Too often, struggling couples attempt to get pregnant in the hopes that this little person will unite them in a way that they couldn't grasp before. This is so, so wrong. First off, that's a heck of a lot of pressure on a child, pressure he or she will someday understand and own. Second, having a baby often causes more stress. If a couple can't unite on marriage decisions, why would they suddenly be able to unite over baby decisions? And trust me, these decisions get weightier as the child grows older.

2. Having a baby doesn't increase your self-worth.
Moms are not more important than other women. They are not more important than men. Moms have a unique responsibility in this world, but that responsibility is not worth more than the responsibility given to other demographics. What defines your worth should be solely based in the promises of who Jesus says you are. When we look to anyone else to define our worth, especially a baby, we will always find ourselves lacking.

3. Having a baby doesn't fulfill every longing.
This one is tricky. I know people who have waited years for the opportunity to have a child. Some couples walk through a decade or more of infertility. Other women don't find their spouse until later in life. Having a child, whether biologically or through adoption, may fulfill the longing of having a child. But that baby will not complete other unfulfilled longings that may have been covered or overshadowed. Babies are not a magic fix.

4. Having a baby doesn't make you closer to others who have babies.
I'll admit that part of why I originally wanted to have my firstborn was because I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at my job. They seemed to all be seasoned mothers, and I was a young newlywed who couldn't contribute to the conversation. However, after having my first baby, I found that my closest friends were mostly single women. Friendships aren't based around life stages. If that is our basis for friendship, we are overlooking many meaningful relationships with women older or younger, childless or single. While there might be a convenience to playdates, friendships should be staked more in common beliefs, similar passions, and a willingness to be transparent.

5. Having a baby doesn't ease loneliness.
Loneliness is a human condition, and it doesn't matter how surrounded we are by people, we all experience loneliness from time to time. A baby will not cure this. Actually, often babies will make us feel more lonely. It's isolating to be at home with a newborn or to plan events around bedtimes and feedings. Having someone depend on you fully can be so draining, it can most certainly increase those feelings of loneliness. And unfortunately, we are expected to be happy, radiant new mothers, so when sadness hits, we feel like we can't share those feelings, which can only exacerbate loneliness.

6. Having a baby doesn't make women naturally good at being a mother.
This one is less talked about in our society. We are told of instant attachments and overwhelming feelings of love and adapting easily to motherhood, but it seems to me that those are rare at the beginning. I didn't feel an instant bond with my daughter. It may have been the traumatic labor and delivery; I'm not sure. But it took awhile for that bond to form. While I have loved her since the beginning, I wasn't overwhelmed with those happy warm fuzzies. And I sure as heck didn't adapt that easily. My husband and I brought her home and looked around the house like there should be an owner's manual somewhere on how to care for this thing. I cried every evening for weeks. And each stage of motherhood brings its own challenges. Sending a kid to school? I figured this was the easy part, but then I learned that that comes with packing lunches, signing folders, helping with homework, and disciplining for notes sent home.

Don't misunderstand me. I love my daughter, I'll love my newborn, and I love being a mommy. But this time, I'm more prepared for the realities of what having a baby means. I know I'm entering a whole new world of having two children, but by the grace of God, my expectations are more realistic as I take this journey.

What are some things that didn't change the way you had hoped, mamas?

Unexpected Blessing

This is super embarrassing, but this is my first blog post since last fall. I have no good reason why I haven't written, but I'm breaking that streak to write about an amazing opportunity I recently had.

About a month ago, I was randomly searching through my Facebook messages "other" folder. For those who don't know, the other folder is where messages are stored from people with whom you aren't Facebook friends. I knew it existed; I check it semi-regularly. However, it used to be the dropbox for messages from pages and groups of which you were a part. Therefore, I had lots of unread messages from random pages of bands, singers, fan clubs, etc. I decided it was time to clean those old ones out. That's when I discovered it: a message from the Karen Kingsbury Facebook page.

Karen Kingsbury is one of the most famous contemporary Christian fiction authors. Her novels are compelling, if sometimes predictable, and they include a solid gospel message within each tale of family, friendships, love, loss, heartache, and mistakes. I've read every novel that she's written, and I own her entire Baxter family series (23 books in all) that I've read through at least three times.

Often on Facebook, Karen will have contests for people to become members of Team KK. Team KK is a group of readers that get access to her latest unpublished novels in order to give final edits, feedback, or written reviews. I've tried to win a spot on that team many times over the past five or six years to no avail.

...or so I thought.

The Facebook message that I discovered was dated May 25, 2011, and it started:

"Hi Megan!! GREAT NEWS!! We looked through all the comments from readers wanting to be on TEAM KK, and we decided we needed to include you, too - even though you didn't have as many "Likes" as some of the other entries. Your words were very touching ... and we think you'd make a great addition to TEAM KK."

Holy smokes! So for three years, I've had this message inviting me to be a part of Team KK, and I didn't even know about it? I took a screenshot of the message and immediately emailed her publishing team, begging for a chance to still be considered. Her assistant emailed me back a few days later and said they would keep me in mind in the future. I figured that was a polite brush-off, that I had missed my chance.

Two weeks later, I received an email from her office asking all Team KK members if they had time to do a final edit on a new manuscript that will be published in September. The only catch was that they needed a week turnaround, and it was my last full week of school. Um, hello?! Of course I offered to read the book. And the coolest part was that I actually found some errors! There were a few minor things like missing words or extra words, and I also found a couple of inconsistencies in timing.

I read the book and sent in my edits within twenty-four hours. #becausenerd

This entire journey could have ended there and I would have been thrilled because 1. the opportunity to read a novel four months before the public could 2. a free copy of a novel I would have purchased anyway and 3. a chance to contribute edits to a manuscript.

But sometimes, there are bigger blessings that are completely unexpected! As a Team KK member, Karen already had my address. I assumed all the "editors" would receive a thank-you card in the mail. As someone who used to collect stamped postcards from Jodie Sweetin and Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the 90s, I consider any piece of mail with a signature on it pretty cool. And yet, when Ronnie brought my mail in today, I opened more than just a thank-you note; Karen had sent a $100 gift card to Target in the card. That's beyond anything I expected, but it was such a huge blessing, especially in this season of preparing for the new baby.

I love how this entire situation was orchestrated this past month. And there's no way I'm quitting; I'm in for every edit she needs in the future!

By the way, her new book, which will be out in September, is called Angels Walking, and it is worth your read. (If you find any other errors, you can blame me. I know I read it way too quickly to catch everything!)

Take Me Deeper

Last year around this time, I was sitting in the sanctuary of Son Life Church for its Fall Conference. And I was so broken. A few different things had happened over the weekend that left me feeling abandoned and alone, and in that I identified my biggest fear: isolation.

Over the course of the next few months, I opened myself up for counseling with a friend that somehow seemed to deepen that fear. I was raw, exposed, and unsure of how to let God fix what felt so painful. My mind knew what the Bible said: that God was enough. But my flesh yearned for people to fill those empty places.

A few days ago, I read a teen fantasy novel called The Siren by Kiera Cass. It's based on the mythology of the sirens, the beautiful, dangerous sea women who sang sailors to their deaths. There's nothing about its premise that screams out Christianity, and yet, I found God so many times in its pages.

The main character, Kahlen, is a siren who longs for pure love. She pours herself out for her sisters and wants to only experience the true love and affection from an intimate relationship someday when her sentence as a siren is complete. In an early part of the book, Kahlen knows she must leave her sisters (her only human companions) for a few weeks to let them sort some things out. She describes herself as hating "being alone. It went against my very makeup to be by myself for more than a few hours. I needed people. And I needed people to need me."

Those sentences resonated with me so greatly. In fact, when Kahlen leaves again later to express some of her anger towards the ocean, I was terrified with her of the coming isolation. But as Kahlen opens up to the ocean, she discovers a communion and companionship with this life-giver that she never knew was available to her before. If anyone had told her this relationship existed, she wouldn't have believed it, but "here I was, aching to be in the Ocean, to not be separated from Her ever. Because She loved me like a cherished daughter."

As soon as Kahlen understands this love, she spends a year communing with the ocean. She lives in the water, completely at rest in this new relationship.

This was such a God picture to me. He longs for us, like the ocean longed for Kahlen. He can meet every need, desire, longing that is within us. He can give us complete rest and peace. While I know those things exist, I'm sure I haven't experienced them in their fullness.

And so Friday night, I was lying in bed, thinking of resting in God and of this beautiful ocean picture, listening to iTunes radio, when a song came on that I had somehow never heard before. It was "Oceans" by Hillsong United. The lyrics touched my heart immediately.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

What a beautiful love song from Heaven for me in that moment. It's been playing non-stop on my phone ever since. It's a nine minute song, so on my sixty minute commute to and from church this morning, I was able to listen to it almost seven times at top volume. 

Then it hit me. As I prepare for this year's Fall Conference at church next weekend, this is the longing in my heart--to find this complete rest in His embrace. I'm looking forward to three full days without any responsibility except for communing with God. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump into the ocean, into God's waiting arms. There're desires and longings building up inside me, and I'm ready for the release into the proper place. Yes, my closest friends will be there. But this year, their company isn't my greatest desire. God's is. 

What a difference a year makes. 

A Cry for Justice

Sometimes, God lays on our hearts a cry for justice. My friend Ginger Coakley works for Set Free, which is a grassroots movement to abolish modern-day slavery. You may have read her guest post on my blog back in May. If you’ve ever talked to Ginger, you know that she is passionate about seeing people around the world freed from the bondage of oppression.

This summer, I began reading everything I could get my hands on that was written by Jen Hatmaker. Her books shook my world and spoke my heart. She is crying out for those in poverty, for the ones wracked by homelessness and hunger in her city of Austin, Texas.

Last year, I had the privilege of hearing Jim Anderson speak. His mission is to uncover the sexual assault on our modern-day culture and see people freed from the chains of sexual sin.

All of these causes make my heart ache. Why must they exist? For one simple reason: we live in a world that is affected by sin, oppressed by darkness, and temporarily in the hands of the one who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy.

And yet, this isn’t a hopeless case. In fact, the solution is quite clear. In fact, we, the church, are given basic instructions throughout the Bible, which can be nicely summarized in this verse from Isaiah: “Learn to do right. Seek justice. Encourage the oppressed. Speak up for the fatherless. Plead the case of the widow" (1:17).

We are the answer. Not because the church has it all together or because we’ve been elevated to some higher perfection. Not even a little bit. But we are the answer because within us is the Holy Spirit. We have the power of the living, loving, perfect, holy God living inside of us, and we have been given the responsibility to unleash that power into the darkness.

What’s the cry in my heart? Young girls enslaved by the notion that they have to be exactly who society says they should be: perfect, skinny, sexual, independent.

I have a five-year-old daughter. In five to six years, I’m going to see her struggle with the injustice of societal expectations on her body, her personality, and her relationships. I cannot allow that to happen. At all cost, I will protect her from those assaults, from the manufacturers that tell her she’s not good enough unless she buys this; the media that says she’s not good enough unless she looks like this; the peers that tell her she’s not good enough unless she acts like this.

The desires that every girl has to belong, to be loved, to be beautiful? Those are good. Those are natural. And there’s a proper way to fill those longings—through the affirmations of the natural father and the Heavenly Father.

I know at this point I sound like a broken record, but this is why I believe so much in the Shine Movement. We’re not just about a two-day conference. We’re not even just about teaching girls how to be performers that “stay away from bad things.”

We’re about bringing the injustices of our societal expectations against girls to light.

We are aiming to shift culture and teach girls to shine in the way they were created.

We are a movement.

Forming a Tribe

A few days ago, I was placing my fifth and sixth graders in groups, when I noticed something disturbing. In several instances, as soon as I announced the partnership, there was eye-rolling, heavy sighing, and once, even a muttered, "Oh, great."

This was NOT okay with me. I have eleven students in my class, four boys and seven girls. If there was division this early in a school year, how are we going to make it through the year? And so we had what I like to call a "family chat."

We had just learned in history about different types of governmental systems, so I decided to compare our class to a tribe. The definition of a tribe is: "a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognized leader."

I explained to my precious kiddos that they were a tribe. The eleven of them? They gotta stick together. We talked practically about what this might look like. "If I assign partners, you act enthusiastic about whomever you're with!" "If Chris drops his books in the hall, you all help him pick them up!" "If you hear anyone making fun of your classmates, you stick up for them!" We have to have each other's back.

The next time I assigned partners? Bliss. Kids were smiling. They were enthusiastic. I don't even care that some of them were probably pretending. Eventually, their actions will influence their mindsets, and these kids will be genuine in their care for each other. We are a tribe.

Women, isn't this how we should all be with each other? From the baby girl in my sister-in-law's womb to the great-grandmas pushing 100, shouldn't we be a tribe together?

I read a blog today that said we, as society, have failed Miley Cyrus. I agree. She's making poor choices, but the women in our society have failed to surround one another with love, encouragement, and support. Instead, we are critical and condescending. We roll our eyes at each other. We gossip. We spread rumors based on jealousy. And we wonder why little girls, like these former Disney stars, are growing up to make the choices that they are making.

This new adventure I'm on, Shine Movement, is about forming the tribe that should already exist. The target for the conference is tween girls, but in reality, the movement is multi-generational. We want older teens that will come alongside the younger girls and show them what it means to walk in light. We want moms, aunts, grandmas,sisters, teachers, neighbors, and youth leaders to partner with us so that we can guide the next generation in godliness. Little girls need to be told they are beautiful, but not for beauty's sake. They need to know that their beauty comes from being made in the image of their Creator, that their worth is based on the price He paid for us.

Let's come together, ladies. Let's have each other's back. Let's form a tribe.

The Shine Movement

I've talked a lot about the Start Experiment on here, but I've intentionally never mentioned what risk I am taking. The main reason for that is that it's not MY risk. I believe God has used this past month to link me into someone else's risk so that I could help them start.

When I first read Jon Acuff's email about the Start Experiment Facebook group, I immediately asked my friend Deedra if she wanted to be a part of it. I knew she was sitting on some great ideas, and maybe this would be a catalyst to help her launch one of them. One that she was passionate about was a musical that had been floating in her brain for awhile. I figured Start would help her get that off the ground.

I had no idea what I wanted to start. (I'll point out that now I've got about a hundred ideas of things I want to start this year, as I wrote in my last blog.) But a month ago, nothing. In fact, when we were told to write our risks on a Start survey, I wrote the most vague thing I could possibly come up with. It was something about teens and God and writing. It made zero sense.

A few days later, I was talking to Deedra, and I asked her if she wrote about her musical. And she told me no. She said she had decided she wanted to pursue the Shine Conference idea that she'd had a couple years ago, and then she asked if I would want to help by writing curriculum, blogging about it, and making contacts to launch it.

Well, hey. That's about teens. And God. And writing.
I'm in.

There will be lots more information about Shine to come VERY soon. In fact, today we filmed footage for our indiegogo.com video to gain support by crowdfunding. A twitter account was just created (@shinemovement1), and a Facebook page and website will be up and running next week.

In a nutshell, Shine is more than a conference. So we're calling the overarching idea the Shine Movement. It's about teaching young girls to shine by instilling in them values such as purity, godliness, modesty, inner beauty, and confidence. It's about teaching them to connect with the One who created all light. And it will provide an outlet to shine by teaching them about dance and choreography through a two-day event.

Definitely not a finished logo. I'm not an artist.

God has been bringing so many details together. In fact, we're meeting with a Christian recording artist this weekend to talk about bringing her on board for the Shine tour. I'm amazed at all the little connections that have been made, and I'm grateful for the support of my new #startexp friends as this gets going.

How can you help? First, by following us on Twitter. That will keep you connected as different elements are set in place. Next, by putting aside a little money for our first crowdfunding campaign on indiegogo.com. We'll let you know as soon as that's ready to go. Third, by volunteering at one of our events if we come to your area. We are starting with a trial event in November about an hour east of St. Louis. Fourth, by simply sharing this blog post on Facebook, Twitter, or by email. We need to create some buzz. And finally, but most importantly, by joining with us in prayer. We don't want Shine to touch girls for simply a weekend; we want God to move in the girls' hearts so that they are equipped to live a life that shines for Him. We are His servants as we move forward in this endeavor.

Year of Starting: A Response to Jon Acuff and Jen Hatmaker

Although the calendar may say that a new year begins on January 1 and ends on December 31, I know better. See, I'm a teacher. I measure my years from August to August. And in the last few years, the measurements have been very distinct and informative. 

In August of 2011, I attended Jesus Culture Awakening in Chicago. That sparked what I now call the Year of Fire. I was solely focused on learning about the Holy Spirit and teaching others to enter into His presence. The year was exciting and scary and new and amazing. 

In August of 2012, I was returning from a missions trip to Belize that taught me about depending on Jesus when I had no one else. I would call this past year a Year of Discipleship. I went through an intense time of letting God uncover my hurts, fears, insecurities, and sins. It was hard and scary and awful and sad and good, ending with my miscarriage and a sweet time of closeness with my Savior.

As August of 2013 approaches, I already know what the label will be. This is a Year of Starting. Because of the Start Experiment, God has already been showing me ways that I can "punch fear in the face" and embark on different journeys in which He has called me. 

I've already STARTed a project with a friend, one that we hope will continue for many, many years. God has been helping us network and has opened many doors for this dream to be realized. But I believe that this is just the beginning. 

Along with Jon Acuff's book, Start, I recently read Jen Hatmaker's book, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.  

Best friends already!

You guys. I cannot stress to you how lovely Jen Hatmaker is. She's witty and poignant and sincere and inspiring. I honestly believe that she and I could be besties, and based on the fact that she tweeted me back the other day, I think she probably believes it, too. 

Ironically, I've met Jen's husband Brandon. In February of 2011, Brandon spoke at a young adult conference for the Free Methodist Church's Gateway Conference. Much of what he discusses was about reaching out, helping the poor, and taking the Jesus of the gospels seriously. Jesus said to feed the poor? Let's go do that. Jesus said to give out water in His name? Let's go do that. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself? Let's go do that. 

Brandon & Jen Hatmaker

I have to be honest. For me at that time, it wasn't the most appealing of talks. It didn't seem like anything that could become me-focused. And I wasn't ready to care about others like that. See, I hadn't yet experienced the Year of Fire or the Year of Discipleship, so I wasn't ready to embark on the Year of Starting. But now, Jen and Brandon have a heart for others that is speaking to me. This book, 7, screamed my heart. 

A quick summary from Barnes and Noble, so that you can track with me: 

7 is the true story of how Jen (along with her husband and her children to varying degrees) took seven months, identified seven areas of excess, and made seven simple choices to fight back against the modern-day diseases of greed, materialism, and overindulgence.

Food. Clothes. Spending. Media. Possessions. Waste. Stress. They would spend thirty days on each topic, boiling it down to the number seven. Only eat seven foods, wear seven articles of clothing, and spend money in seven places. Eliminate use of seven media types, give away seven things each day for one month, adopt seven green habits, and observe “seven sacred pauses.” So, what’s the payoff from living a deeply reduced life? It’s the discovery of a greatly increased God—a call toward Christ-like simplicity and generosity that transcends social experiment to become a radically better existence.

Not only is Jen hilarious throughout (ex: "I'm not an accomplished thrift shopper, meaning I never thrift shop. I'm easily overwhelmed in a regular store organized by genre, color, and price point, so throw a little chaos and fifty crammed racks together, and I might start maniacally humming and hitting myself in the head"), but she seamlessly weaves her faith and convictions in this journal. 

And what happens when you combine Start with 7 at the beginning of a school year? A new goal. A hunger to be awesome in helping others. There are so many ideas running through my head: setting up a storage for old clothes in my school so that we can help families in need; planting a community garden on my school grounds that my students will cultivate; partnering my students with a missions organization to raise money and send aid. 

I can't wait to see what God tells me to START next. 

It's gonna be a good year.