Having a Baby Changes Everything... Except When it Doesn't

Let's clear something up first. I am a mommy, and I am a blogger, but I am not a "mommy blogger." My house is usually messy, I don't own a jogging stroller, and I believe Pinterest is more for snarky e-cards than crafts or recipes. Case in point? As of 11:00 this morning, the only thing my daughter had eaten was a brownie and a few Doritos.

However, I'm pregnant with my second child, and I have a lot of friends who are either pregnant or have recently given birth, and it's had me thinking a lot about what having a child means.

I think movies and commercials have painted a more realistic picture of this recently. They show the crazy side of child-rearing: the diapers, the cost, the mess, the lack of sleep. They've even given us cute catchphrases like, "Having a baby changes everything."

Well, yes and no.

It sure changes sleep patterns and time management and how often we get to shower, but it doesn't change everything. I think a lot of new moms expect their world to become this magical, albeit crazier, land of hugs and snuggles and love. Those things definitely can and do happen, but it's a much different type of scenario. Many things aren't changed by having a baby, no matter how much we wish they would.

1. Having a baby doesn't repair a faulty marriage.
Too often, struggling couples attempt to get pregnant in the hopes that this little person will unite them in a way that they couldn't grasp before. This is so, so wrong. First off, that's a heck of a lot of pressure on a child, pressure he or she will someday understand and own. Second, having a baby often causes more stress. If a couple can't unite on marriage decisions, why would they suddenly be able to unite over baby decisions? And trust me, these decisions get weightier as the child grows older.

2. Having a baby doesn't increase your self-worth.
Moms are not more important than other women. They are not more important than men. Moms have a unique responsibility in this world, but that responsibility is not worth more than the responsibility given to other demographics. What defines your worth should be solely based in the promises of who Jesus says you are. When we look to anyone else to define our worth, especially a baby, we will always find ourselves lacking.

3. Having a baby doesn't fulfill every longing.
This one is tricky. I know people who have waited years for the opportunity to have a child. Some couples walk through a decade or more of infertility. Other women don't find their spouse until later in life. Having a child, whether biologically or through adoption, may fulfill the longing of having a child. But that baby will not complete other unfulfilled longings that may have been covered or overshadowed. Babies are not a magic fix.

4. Having a baby doesn't make you closer to others who have babies.
I'll admit that part of why I originally wanted to have my firstborn was because I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at my job. They seemed to all be seasoned mothers, and I was a young newlywed who couldn't contribute to the conversation. However, after having my first baby, I found that my closest friends were mostly single women. Friendships aren't based around life stages. If that is our basis for friendship, we are overlooking many meaningful relationships with women older or younger, childless or single. While there might be a convenience to playdates, friendships should be staked more in common beliefs, similar passions, and a willingness to be transparent.

5. Having a baby doesn't ease loneliness.
Loneliness is a human condition, and it doesn't matter how surrounded we are by people, we all experience loneliness from time to time. A baby will not cure this. Actually, often babies will make us feel more lonely. It's isolating to be at home with a newborn or to plan events around bedtimes and feedings. Having someone depend on you fully can be so draining, it can most certainly increase those feelings of loneliness. And unfortunately, we are expected to be happy, radiant new mothers, so when sadness hits, we feel like we can't share those feelings, which can only exacerbate loneliness.

6. Having a baby doesn't make women naturally good at being a mother.
This one is less talked about in our society. We are told of instant attachments and overwhelming feelings of love and adapting easily to motherhood, but it seems to me that those are rare at the beginning. I didn't feel an instant bond with my daughter. It may have been the traumatic labor and delivery; I'm not sure. But it took awhile for that bond to form. While I have loved her since the beginning, I wasn't overwhelmed with those happy warm fuzzies. And I sure as heck didn't adapt that easily. My husband and I brought her home and looked around the house like there should be an owner's manual somewhere on how to care for this thing. I cried every evening for weeks. And each stage of motherhood brings its own challenges. Sending a kid to school? I figured this was the easy part, but then I learned that that comes with packing lunches, signing folders, helping with homework, and disciplining for notes sent home.

Don't misunderstand me. I love my daughter, I'll love my newborn, and I love being a mommy. But this time, I'm more prepared for the realities of what having a baby means. I know I'm entering a whole new world of having two children, but by the grace of God, my expectations are more realistic as I take this journey.

What are some things that didn't change the way you had hoped, mamas?

Unexpected Blessing

This is super embarrassing, but this is my first blog post since last fall. I have no good reason why I haven't written, but I'm breaking that streak to write about an amazing opportunity I recently had.

About a month ago, I was randomly searching through my Facebook messages "other" folder. For those who don't know, the other folder is where messages are stored from people with whom you aren't Facebook friends. I knew it existed; I check it semi-regularly. However, it used to be the dropbox for messages from pages and groups of which you were a part. Therefore, I had lots of unread messages from random pages of bands, singers, fan clubs, etc. I decided it was time to clean those old ones out. That's when I discovered it: a message from the Karen Kingsbury Facebook page.

Karen Kingsbury is one of the most famous contemporary Christian fiction authors. Her novels are compelling, if sometimes predictable, and they include a solid gospel message within each tale of family, friendships, love, loss, heartache, and mistakes. I've read every novel that she's written, and I own her entire Baxter family series (23 books in all) that I've read through at least three times.

Often on Facebook, Karen will have contests for people to become members of Team KK. Team KK is a group of readers that get access to her latest unpublished novels in order to give final edits, feedback, or written reviews. I've tried to win a spot on that team many times over the past five or six years to no avail.

...or so I thought.

The Facebook message that I discovered was dated May 25, 2011, and it started:

"Hi Megan!! GREAT NEWS!! We looked through all the comments from readers wanting to be on TEAM KK, and we decided we needed to include you, too - even though you didn't have as many "Likes" as some of the other entries. Your words were very touching ... and we think you'd make a great addition to TEAM KK."

Holy smokes! So for three years, I've had this message inviting me to be a part of Team KK, and I didn't even know about it? I took a screenshot of the message and immediately emailed her publishing team, begging for a chance to still be considered. Her assistant emailed me back a few days later and said they would keep me in mind in the future. I figured that was a polite brush-off, that I had missed my chance.

Two weeks later, I received an email from her office asking all Team KK members if they had time to do a final edit on a new manuscript that will be published in September. The only catch was that they needed a week turnaround, and it was my last full week of school. Um, hello?! Of course I offered to read the book. And the coolest part was that I actually found some errors! There were a few minor things like missing words or extra words, and I also found a couple of inconsistencies in timing.

I read the book and sent in my edits within twenty-four hours. #becausenerd

This entire journey could have ended there and I would have been thrilled because 1. the opportunity to read a novel four months before the public could 2. a free copy of a novel I would have purchased anyway and 3. a chance to contribute edits to a manuscript.

But sometimes, there are bigger blessings that are completely unexpected! As a Team KK member, Karen already had my address. I assumed all the "editors" would receive a thank-you card in the mail. As someone who used to collect stamped postcards from Jodie Sweetin and Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the 90s, I consider any piece of mail with a signature on it pretty cool. And yet, when Ronnie brought my mail in today, I opened more than just a thank-you note; Karen had sent a $100 gift card to Target in the card. That's beyond anything I expected, but it was such a huge blessing, especially in this season of preparing for the new baby.

I love how this entire situation was orchestrated this past month. And there's no way I'm quitting; I'm in for every edit she needs in the future!

By the way, her new book, which will be out in September, is called Angels Walking, and it is worth your read. (If you find any other errors, you can blame me. I know I read it way too quickly to catch everything!)